Stuck

I want to be happy! Truly happy! There are people out there who seem to be happy all the time but everyone knows that it is not genuine. I want to be one of those truly happy people that just let things slide off their back.

So, evidently, I am not allowed to say anything. Every time I open my mouth, I am in the wrong, according to some. Why is it that I am not allowed to speak my mind while others are allowed to do so? I am so sick of being forced to stand at the sidelines when all I want to do is call it like I am seeing it! I am so sick of constantly analyzing every little thing I say and do! My brain is completely scrambled and I can't keep things straight. I need to get away from everyone and everything. But I can't. Because of money and practicality, I can't. I am completely stuck.

Wishing for a Miracle

I was raped a few years ago. It was what I call "Gray Area Rape," meaning that it would never hold up in a court of law. It was the product of slow manipulation. "You need to grow up and stop thinking that sex is such a big deal." It worked. His words were my thoughts when I convinced myself that I was ok with what was already happening. I did not know how he would react if I told him to stop so I didn't. Now I get to see his smiling face at school and on facebook.

Work is tough. I sometimes find myself looking around, wondering, where are the good people? The empathetic people? People who ask how my mom is doing? I know that my search is futile there but then I go home and breath easy.

Where do my blogs go?

It has been a while since I have written. I guess blogging truly is like a traditional diary! I remember countless times apologizing to my diary about not writing. It almost became a person! A significant other, of sorts! Why do we feel such a strong commitment to our diaries? Maybe it is because it's essentially a commitment to the self. If you do not make time for your thoughts, it is almost as if you are condemning yourself! In all honesty, though, I do not want to write unless I have something essential to get out into the world. I do not want to write about the mundane and the mundane, unfortunately, seems to absorb much of my thoughts lately. That is why I want to know: where do my blogs go? After I write this, will it float out there in cyberspace, never to be seen? Will it impact anyone? Will writing it make me feel better? I have come to a crossroad where I need to decide if I want to write for myself or if I want to write for others. I do not yet have an answer.

Welcome

It is late and I have to get up at 5 in the morning. Sadly, I can't help but be swept up in this societal trend where one lives to work and private moments are given a price. I will write more soon. Just not tonight.